Polka-Spots & Stripeys

Personality Flaws

2012-02-15T19:25:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while I have to do something that I really, really hate doing. Something that makes me extremely nervous, shaky, sweaty, and my heart pound hard enough to feel it.

That something is talking to people.

Now, if it's someone I consider to be a fairly good friend, I'm usually (but not always) fine. If it's someone I consider to be a fairly (or even extremely) good friend but they're in a group? Not fine. Generally I manage to square my shoulders, bite the bullet, and engage with the friend and/or group. However, this anxiety is a large factor in my reluctance to attend FHE/ward activities on the odd nights I'm able.

Even uttering a simple "Hi" after someone greets me can cause visible nervousness.

When I have to talk to a boss/supervisor/adviser for any reason? Definitely getting anxious. If I'm asking them for a favor all I can do is pray that the words come out correctly.

And talking to a stranger outside of performing work duties? Forget about it. If I know I have to I'll have been mumbling a script to myself for days, praying, and probably crying in fear at night. And no, I'm not joking. The same goes for public speaking of any form, including speaking in class. (Remember how I put off a biochemistry seminar assignment for about a month? And then I put off the actual poster presentation for an entire semester and had an Incomplete on my transcript until I knew I had no choice but to do the stupid thing!)

Once again, friends, I'm not exaggerating my fear/hatred of talking to people. This is really how I am. It makes life a lot harder than it needs to be.

But, every once in a while I have to talk to people. I have to ask them for favors. Usually I resort to e-mail, which gives me nearly exactly the same symptoms but the ability to hide my shaking and eliminate voice cracking, squeaking, or shaking.

Today I was brave. I asked my current boss to serve as a reference for a scholarship, and I did it to his face. Now that the worst of it is over, tomorrow morning I will e-mail two other mentor-people to ask them to serve as references. Also, I will e-mail an updated resume to the health sciences library as well someone to help me find some roommates.

I figure that I should get all this done at the same time so I can stop worrying about it.

Sometimes I wonder how I manage to do these things. I know my reactions are at least slightly more severe than those of the general public. I mean how many people, aside from me, break into a cold sweat at the thought of sending an e-mail?

It's a good thing I have the drive and ambition I do, because otherwise I don't know where I'd be. My desire to reach my goals is greater than my fear of doing what needs to be done to get there. So even though I know it's not normal to fear human interaction the way I do, I feel blessed that my personality includes traits that allow me to circumvent, if not (hopefully) eventually overcome, my shortcomings in human interaction.

I guess that's really all we can ask for.

Want to Get Rich Quick?

2012-02-08T20:42:00.004-07:00

I keep hearing all this outrage about the new timeline and how Facebook is evil for forcing us to switch over it it and how everyone should switch to Google+.

Then I hear all this outrage about Google invading everyone's privacy and tracking our every move all their ridiculous amount of popular sites and how we should refuse to use anything Google related (including Google+).

Now I have a Facebook account. I figure that eventually they will force me to use timeline. Which is OK. I'm getting used to it (although it does seem to be more picture heavy than the current profile, which worries me because for some reason I always look chubby in pictures. Especially in my face. And I don't want very many pictures showing up on my timeline!) and Facebook can change their layout as much as they want as long as I can find the stupid log out button. Which is what really upset me with their last major change. Ugh.

I also have a Google+ account that I never use because, let's face it, nobody uses their Google+ account except for people I don't actually know. But in the case Facebook does go the route of MySpace I want to be on the bandwagon for the next big thing. While it irritates me that Google wants to "customize" my experience based on what I have looked at/searched for in the past, I'm not all that worried about my safety or privacy being compromised. I'll just log out whenever I want to do all that scandalous stuff I obviously search for.

I don't really care about either of these horrible, horrible things happening in my midst. I'm an apathetic fool, but I'm a perfectly happy apathetic fool. If I lived in the society of Nineteen Eighty-Four I would be the dumb, bumbling idiot really doing exactly what I'm told. Not the person pretending to be a dumb, bumbling idiot and doing scandalous things in secret only to be caught and re-brainwashed. So I've saved myself a lot of anguish, haven't I?

That digression aside, we obviously need a new social networking site for all those people who can't decide the lesser of the two evils. If we jump on this really fast we might get rich and I'll be able to pay for grad school! Any ideas?

And My Life Just Got a Little Weirder.

2012-02-05T16:54:00.001-07:00

I just wrote a poem. Pretty sure I haven't done that since before high school.

No, you can't read it, and I probably won't write another one for about 5 years. But I think I better understand why people write poetry.

Just Got My Cardio for the Day!

2012-02-01T13:45:00.000-07:00

You know how in movies and TV shows they always show teenage girls dancing around in their bedrooms using a hairbrush as a microphone?

Well that's what this song does to me (except my microphone was a comb):

I really need to break down and buy the CD it's on, because I listen to this song several times a day. It's probably one reason I've been able to keep up my happy mood.

"D'aaaawww..."

2012-01-29T19:49:00.000-07:00

Okay, friends. Today's topic is love. [Edit: I also seem to spend a lot of time on babies.] Now before you all get worried and stop reading, hold it. This string of thoughts is astoundingly upbeat considering I'm 22.75 years old and perpetually single. Amazingly, I'm still in a pretty good (AKA happy, non-depressed) place right now. Weird, I know.

So here it is. I think my biological clock has finally started ticking. I don't think I'm actually old enough for this to be happening to me, but what can'ya do?

Side story: My freshman year of college I was in my dorm common room in the late morning (either class was cancelled, I came home for lunch, or I didn't feel like going to class) and I heard one of the student janitors talking about how she wanted a baby. She was at most 20, and she said she felt her biological clock was ticking. I thought it was ridiculous. And now at a mere 22 I'm saying I feel the same way. However, I don't feel it ticking in a desperate way, just... softly ticking. As if that makes any sense whatsoever.

Anyway.

Lately whenever I see a baby (in life, in print, on TV, hear one on the radio) I think, "D'aaaawww... I want a baby!" Literally, that's what I think. No joke.

Never mind that I don't actually want a baby right now. Poop and spit up and not sleeping through the night? No husband to help me out? No thank you! But they're just SO. CUTE. Babies. D'aaaawww...

Guys. I just told you that I think I may want a baby! Slap me please.

Okay, so I want a baby. I have enough sense not to get one right now. But maybe this means I should start looking for a man so that I can have a baby some day. Which leads right into my next dilemma:

I think my twitterpation button is broken.

I haven't been twitterpated with anyone for over a year now. I have blamed the men of the world, but they can't all be bad, can they? Maybe the fact that the last person I was infatuated with turned out to be someone not truly twitterpation-worthy has something to do with it.

Stupid boys.

The thing is, twitterpation is fantastic. It makes little deer and bunnies and skunks do cute things underneath pink, flowery trees (D'aaaawww...). It makes all the little animals sing and frolic in the burgeoning spring. It makes girls, once disillusioned with the drudgery of everyday life, giggly, flirtatious, and euphoric with hormones.

Via boysofdisney.tumblr.com

It's a nice feeling.

It doesn't help that I've been reading a lot of "how we met, fell in love, got engaged and married" stories on people's blogs. Every single love story I read leaves me thinking, "D'aaaawww... That's so adorable! I want an adorable falling in love story!"

Anyway, Now that Valentine's Day is approaching, I kind of would like to be twitterpated. It's a nice, hopeful feeling that I kind of miss.

Plus, I kind of want a baby. Babies. D'aaaawww...

Will someone humor me and give me a "D'aaaawww?"

My Personal Record Has Been Neglected! :(

2012-01-23T19:00:00.000-07:00

It's been well over a week since I last updated. I've been trying to be more consistent, but I always forget how little I have to say. That's probably one thing that separates true writers from everyone else. It doesn't matter how well one can put words together if they don't know what they want aforementioned words to say.

Anyway, in Relief Society yesterday the lesson was on the spirit of Elijah, so I felt chastised to keep up with my personal record. As I plan to ask that my journals be burned (unread) when I die, this is my personal record (but don't you worry, I plan on compiling the few valuable journal entries I have someday. Hopefully before I die).

So let it be recorded that Lydia Anne Howes is alive and well, happy, and pushing along in life. I'm working on applying for the few scholarships I'm eligible for in hopes that I can pay for part of graduate school without loans.

I'm no longer taking Trazodone. Probably if I ever go to the doctor again I'll ask for a new prescription for the occasional hard night, but for now I'm sleeping pretty well without it. As an added bonus I've regained the ability to wake up naturally at a respectable hour. This means I'm less grumpy in the mornings and I'm slowly going to bed and waking up earlier.

Last Friday my oldest brother, Russell, was on Jeopardy! It was fun to watch and he made a pretty good showing even though only came in second place after the Final Jeopardy round. It may very well remain the most exciting thing to happen to the Howes family in 2012. I suppose we'll see. There are still 11 1/3 months left in the year.

But as for me, life continues on boringly. Perhaps that's just how I like things to be, though. Adventure is good, but only in small doses. Most of the time I'm content to keep with the same old routine and then come home to a good book or movie.

Finally, I've been considering doing the 30 Day Challenge again this year. Most likely I'll look around for a different set of prompts, but would that be something you'd be interested in reading again?

Argh!

2012-01-12T18:44:00.000-07:00

The major dilemma in my life is that I crave sweets like brownies and cupcakes after the hours of operation of most good bakeries. Thus I have to make them myself (rather than buy the one or two I would like to devour), thus I have dozens of cookies/cupcakes/brownies around tempting me, thus Lydia gets fat and her arteries become clogged.

My self control is simply not strong enough to deny myself these cravings.

Right now, all I want is this:

And Suddenly...

2012-01-09T21:20:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the number of parenthesis and run on sentences in this post. Apparently I use them a lot more when I'm happy.

Today I woke up happy. Well, I woke up grumpy- as always, seeing that I'm definitely not a morning person- and after rubbing the crusties out of my eyes and becoming completely cognizant I felt optimistic for the first time in what feels like forever. I wanted to sing and smile and dance.

It was weird. The good kind, but weird nonetheless.

I haven't felt like singing for a long time. Anyone who has known (well, maybe not known but ever lived with or listened to the radio with) me for longer than the past year knows that I sing. ALL the time (provided I feel like I'm alone or am 100% comfortable with whomever I'm around). Lately I haven't even been singing in my car.

But today I felt like singing and so I did. In my bedroom, in my car, elsewhere around the house. I've refrained from singing here at work, because most people are annoyed or, at the very least, somewhat nervous when the reference librarian* breaks out in song.

Anyway, while this behavior isn't innately unusual for me, it is unusual for me for the past 8-12 months. If I had any doubts that I've been depressed lately, they were all erased when I woke up and remembered what "happy" really feels like.

I like it.

I have absolutely no inkling of what flipped the switch. [Edit: Okay, that's a lie seeing as I will now proceed to provide two possible explanations.] Maybe it's a blessing for attending the CES fireside last night, maybe I finally convinced my subconscious that being depressed was getting me absolutely no where. All I'm sure about is that I would like to keep it switched.

I'm going to do everything I can to stay happy. I have a plan and I have every intention of follow it. I'm not sharing the details here, but if you're really curious you should let me know and maybe I'll get around to writing it up. It isn't important that anyone knows exactly what my plan is, just that there are people out there who know that there is a plan and who can keep me accountable.

It would be nice if every once in a while someone asked if I was sticking to my plan. This doesn't mean anyone should pester me or even ask every day (or more than once a week, really), but I do believe it would be helpful to be held accountable by more than just my brain. We already know that I can't do it all by myself at the moment

Trust me, you'd much rather have a happy Lydia in your life than a depressed one, so it's probably in your best interests to keep me this way. Please and thank you. However, I do warn that if too many people try to keep me accountable I'll become annoyed, and depression and annoyance are pretty much the same thing where I'm concerned.

*Technically I'm a "reference specialist" because I can't be a librarian until I earn my masters. However, I'm fairly certain most people do not have that phrase in their working vocabulary (even if they could figure out what I meant without too much difficulty), plus I hate the way it sounds, so I needed a different word.

A quick check indicated that "personnel" and "staff" always refer to multiple people (and are thus inappropriate because I'm fairly certain my boss wouldn't have joined in with my singing), "person working at the reference desk" is too long and plain sounds bad, and I couldn't think of anything else, so I'm putting "reference librarian." However, I wouldn't feel comfortable using that moniker without some sort of clarification. Librarians work hard to become such, and I don't want to claim that amount of work until I've put in my time. Hence my rather lengthy footnote.

Why do my header-notes (I doubt that's is a real word, but by this I mean the notes I put before my post) and footnotes always turn out to be so long? And does anyone actually read them?

Three Sentences

2012-01-08T13:42:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure it isn't normal to feel jealous upon hearing people (that you only know by name and face) moved out of the ward to attend school elsewhere. Especially to the point of wanting to cry. Yet here I am.

It's 2012! My Life is Still the Same.

2012-01-06T12:48:00.001-07:00

Well, today I installed a new hard drive on my laptop. Seeing how it's over 4 years old I guess it was about time for something majorly bad to happen to it, but paying for a new hard drive made me cry a little.

I managed to begin the Windows installation before I needed to leave for work. So when I get home I'll get to install a lot of drivers and software. Not exactly my idea of fun but, although it aggravates me I'm more than proficient. Therefore I'd rather do it myself than pay someone else a lot of money.

The good news is the new hard drive is larger and faster!

In other news, I was put on as a collaborator for a couple of SLCC's libguides. At first I had absolutely no idea what to put on them. Whenever I thought of anything I either found that it was already there or SLCC didn't have access to it (when I realized I couldn't use EndNoteWeb anymore I wanted to cry. Yet another reason to go to Michigan. I'll be able to read all the awesome articles I stowed away in there instead of staring at the titles.)

Finally I remember a site I learned about during SI training. Khan Academy is awesome. There are videos on SO MANY things. Calculus, general biology, general chemistry, economics, physics... I can spend hours on there without feeling like I'm wasting time because I'm learning stuff.

I highly suggest you check it out. If you're in a general education course you'll most likely find some videos that will help you. If not, you can just learn new things. It's an easy way to follow the prophet. Just saying.

In other other news, Christmas and New Years were good. I spent a weekend in Logan which was good for me, but I'm more than happy to be back sleeping in my own bed. Sometimes I just wish my own bed was in Logan.

I'm doing my best at getting out of bed in the morning and leaving the house most days, but I'd be lying if I said I was much happier. I'd still rather lay in bed in a little ball than do anything else. I'm hoping that my going through the motions will eventually become more. People always say that you can trick yourself into being happy by smiling/acting happy but so far that hasn't really happened. I guess the next step is to get back into regular workouts and cutting out processed sugar. I'm going back to my regular work schedule on Monday so I'll have more time to workout before I need to get ready for work.

All I can do is push forward.

I Make Myself Laugh

2011-12-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

I'm still feeling blue. In fact, I feel worse with every passing day.

However, I don't want to be depressing. So for now here are some great tidbits from my journal over the past year or so. I'm pretty sure that I'm much more hysterically funny in my journal than I am in real life or on this blog. Probably the only place I'm more funny is in my head...

I'm leaving out the context of each quote because there was a reason I chose to write this stuff in my journal rather than sharing it with the entire Internet. They're probably funnier without it, anyway.

October 22, 2010: "What kills me is that if I'd just waited 10 minutes to check the mail I could have kept living in my state of denial."

December 7, 2010: "Part of me fears losing my non-emotional eye candy."

I looked and looked for something funny from spring semester 2011, but I guess I was too stressed out and sleep deprived to make jokes.

June 23, 2011: "So long story short,... I ... was (metaphorically) punched in the stomach by Cupid three times today."

July 20, 2011: "I'm such a girl. Not the good kind. The crazy, insane kind that people run away from because they're too psycho to be worth dealing with." Also, "And for some insane, crazy, glutton for punishment way, I'm looking forward to it... Maybe it's because I have so little to be excited about... Mostly, though, it's because I'm an idiot."

Feeling Blue

2011-12-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

** For those who care; Today's Soundtrack: "Mistaken Identity" by Steve Reynolds**

Even though it's the holiday season and Christmas is coming up (tomorrow!), and I know I should be festive and happy and cheerful, lately I've just been sad.

All I want to do to is wear warm pajamas, turn off the lights, crawl under the covers, and curl up into a little ball. The entire day. I know that's not acceptable, so I've also been forcing myself to leave the house at least once a day. I'm not sure if that will happen today, though. I'm just too sad.

I don't have any real reasons for feeling so down. Life is pretty good.

A few days ago I watched "The Boy in the Striped Pajamas." It is quite possibly the most depressing movie I've ever seen. It snapped me out of my sorry state for about a day and a half. I need something longer lasting before I become permanently attached to my bed and addicted to puffy Cheetos. Maybe I could just watch a really sad movie about terrible life circumstances every day to remind me that my life is good.

For no reason, the 5 most depressing movies Lydia has ever seen:

The Boy in the Striped Pajamas
Cast Away
Dear John (To be fair, I'm not sure if this is really one of the top 5, but I cried more during that movie than any other. Quite possibly because I was in a really sorry state when I watched it, but I figure that anything catalyzing that amount of water and salt pouring from my eyes deserves some sort of recognition)
(and 5) Bridge to Terabithia and My Girl (I group these two together because they are sad for exactly the same reason- a preteen loses their only friend to an unfortunate accident)

You Know You're a Nerd When

2011-12-13T21:46:00.001-07:00

You see this:

Immediately you know that the answer is, "Probably, almost definitely, NOT!" It makes the meme a lot less fun.

But yay for recombination during meiosis anyway!

Rather than being a party-pooper and killing the party on Pinterest, I decided to take it to my blog.

P.S. To add to the nerdiness, you can spell meiosis off the top of your head. Correctly.

Today

2011-12-12T18:53:00.000-07:00

I set aside about 3 hours in the afternoon to get my Christmas shopping done. Instead...

I went to the bank.
Got confused (but not lost as I knew exactly how to get home) while looking for a store I'd never been to.
Gave up and headed to a different store.
Got confused and almost lost in Murray. I know. I fail at navigating.
In the 45 minute time span I had left to do actual shopping, managed to buy two gifts.
Came home for a few minutes.
Went to work.
Told someone there was a scanner in the TSC (the student center at Utah State). Too bad I still think I'm living in Logan. Or too bad whoever I was talking to was looking for a scanner at the Redwood Campus of the community college. Whichever way you want to look at it.

I guess I'm going Christmas shopping again tomorrow. Probably Wednesday, too. Most likely I will actually get lost next time I leave the house.

Today I also decided to eat peas. Normally I detest peas, but in the 15 minutes I had in between shopping and work I decided they sounded really good. They were, too, for the first couple bites. After that it was like, "Why on earth are you eating peas, Lydia? They're the most disgusting vegetable ever!"

Also, the next time someone comes to me all upset because they "can't upload [their] essay to [their] ePortfolio" and it turns out they went to their ePortfolio instead of whichever website they used to create it, I'm going to cry.

It was bearable and almost funnily endearing the first few times, now it's just annoying. And a little depressing.

So how was your day?

A Very Rare (and Long) Post on Dating and Education

2011-12-11T22:57:00.001-07:00

Usually I'd put stuff like this in my journal, but I've beenpretty safe with my blogging recently and I know that when that happens I needto push my comfort level. I don't want to lose the small amount progress inbeing open and trusting that I've made with this blog. So here are my recentthoughts on dating. I don't blame anyone who doesn't read the whole thing.

* * * * *

I haven't evenpretended to try to date since moving home. My bishop kind of called me out onit during tithing settlement. Ha ha. He wasn't really harsh or anything, butthe conversation turned to whether I was getting myself out there. We all knowthat I'm not. I told him that I usually went to FHE and ward activities when I could, butthat a lot of my good friends are in Logan or grad school somewhere. This makesit harder for me. It's is true, and he understood, but after that conversationI knew that I needed to try harder to make friends and socialize here.

It's just hardsometimes. I know there are tons of great people in my ward, but I'm finding ithard to invest myself emotionally. I haven't met many people that I relate tovery much. I like the girls in the ward, but for the most part we're in different places with extremely different interests. They're all perfectly happy to be donewith school forever, which is great for them. But I'm not. Education is and hasbeen my life for so long, and I genuinely love it. Does it stress me out? Yes.But that's because it means somuch to me and because Iinvolve myself in too many things that I can't choose between.

For me educationis not just a means to an end. It's what I love doing. I love going to classesand learning things. I love researching topics that interest me and readingjournal articles and good news sources. I love pushing my mind to understandnew and difficult concepts. If I'm not learning something new I get boredincredibly easily. My good friends are the people I know who feel the same way. The people I most enjoy spending time with are the ones who I can discuss such things with without them wanting to change the subject. They're the people I've met who are not going to school merely to learn aprofession but because they love learning about the things they study.

There is a reasonI wasn't good friends with most of the pre-meds I knew in college. It's because most(but not all) were more concerned about learning what they needed to know toget into med-school than they were interested about learning.

I'm running intomuch the same problem here. I can be friends with people who don't seeeducation the same way I do, but they aren't going to be my best friends. Inthe same way, I'm just not interested in dating guys who don't value and enjoyeducation in the same way I do. The problem lies in the fact that in my currentward and other activities I haven't been meeting guys with the same views Ihave.

Don't get mewrong, I've met great guys since moving home. It's just that they're allgreat for someone else and not for me. Maybe I'd feel differently if Iwere trying, but I'm not. I go to activities when I can, but when I'm there Idon't completely invest myself and often leave early. I haven't bothered toactually get to know many new people any deeper than their surface. My momcalled me out on that a while ago.

I think she alsothinks I'm being too nit-picky, and maybe I am. But at the same time, howcan it be bad to hope to find someone who invests as much time and energy intosomething I value so greatly? I don't expect to find a male version of me tomarry, and maybe he doesn't need to value all the same things I do, but is it reallytoo much to ask that we have the same ideas on my top two things (the gospeland education)?

I wish I was okaywith dating* people I have little or no interest in becoming serious with. Iwish I could see myself serious about a relationship with someone less drivenor with less value in education, but I can't. At least part of this stems fromthe worry that if I did I would end up with someone who doesn’t understand myeducational goals, especially since once I start a family I hope to be able tobecome a full time mother. If they don’t understand it, if they aren’t excited about it and for me, they mightnot fully support it. I know that I would end up resenting anyone who stood inthe way of my reaching my goals, even if they don’t mean to.

It isn’t fair to assume this would happen, but I’ve seen it(sometimes with a bit of resentment, sometimes not), and it concerns me. It makesme extremely cautious about seriously dating anyone until I’ve finished or nearly finished my education.

I'm a goal driven person, but I'm only effective when focusing onone goal at a time. Right now my sights are still set on my masters. Eventhough I know I do need to make an effort at dating and socializing in order tomeet other goals, I'm finding it hard to focus on that right now. It doesn'thelp that I work nearly every night besides Sundays, as well as working a lotof 9-12 hour Saturdays. When most people are done with class and work I'mworking. When there are FHE, Relief Society, and ward activities,I'm working. When I'm free to do things, everyone is in class or working. It'shard enough figuring out how to get my visiting teaching accomplished, letalone socialize and date.

I think I need tostart focusing on the present again. Stop worrying about what the future holdsand do more things just because they're fun right now. I did pretty well for afew years, but with being bound and determined to get to grad school next falland attempting to make that feasible financially I'm falling short of living inthe moment.

I keep tellingHeavenly Father that he's going to need me to hit me over the head with a brickwhen I meet the right guy. As that hasn't happened, I'm more than content tokeep living the same way I have been, even though I know I should be putting alot more effort into dating. At the very least I should be trying to make lasting friendships here.

* By dating I meanmore than a date or two. I'm fine going on dates with people I don't see arelationship with; because I might change my mind about that when I know thembetter. But I know a lot of girls who enter into relationships with people theydon't see anything permanent with, and that's not something I'm willing to do.I'd rather be alone than with someone I don't think I want to be with for thelong haul. Personal choice.

Nothing Important

2011-12-06T22:20:00.001-07:00

A few days ago I had a really excellent idea for a blog post.

I now have no idea what it was. Blast.

Want to know just how big a nerd I am? Too bad, you have to anyway.

Whenever I hear the word "blast" I think of this database: Basic Local Alignment Search Tool

Basically you enter a DNA sequence and it pulls up gene sequences from various organisms that match/sort of match the sequence. I used that database for just about every biology or biochem course I took in college, except microbiology. I think of it fondly because it's tons of fun. It's cool to see that your gene for ABC blahblahblahase is only 1 nucleotide different from mouse ABC blahblahblahase, which is only 10 nucleotides different from cow ABC blahblahblahase. Of course, it has a lot of more practical uses, too.

How many of you think about databases fondly? I guess it is a slightly odd quirk. I also think of Web of Science fondly, but PubMed annoys me. Databases that usually only give abstracts rather than full text are frustrating. Abstracts are basically useless when writing a paper. Bah.

I'm now also obsessed with Films on Demand. They have all sorts of fun educational videos like NOVA and some news specials on there. I wish USU had access to this fantastic resource. I would have used it all the time. Always for pleasure, though. I fully believe that having access to this is a huge perk of working where I do.

Sigh. I miss school. I'm glad I don't have to be studying like mad for finals right now, but in a way I do miss it. I felt like I was accomplishing things. Plus, various middle aged Hispanic* men weren't flirting to** me every day and always asking how long and when I'm going to be there. And seeming sad if I don't remember them two weeks later. o_O

Guys, why do I always talk/blog about the same things? I think I need a more exciting life. Someone needs to save me from myself.

* This is not a racist remark. Just an observation. I can't even remember the last time anyone who wasn't a middle aged Hispanic man attempted to flirt with me.

** Flirting To- The act where one person attempts to flirt with another person, but the second refuses to engage in said flirtation.

I Had an Abnormally Technological Childhood

2011-12-01T17:50:00.001-07:00

My eyes have been opened.

I now know the reason that computer literacy requirements are in place.

Every day I am bombarded with computer questions that I could have answered at the age of 10 (if not before). What surprised me about this is not that I'm asked computer questions I could have answered at 10, but that a lot of the people asking these questions are domestic students from my generation.

19 year old guys ask me how to take screenshots.

23 year old women don't know how to copy and paste.

Tons of people have no clue how to upload a file to the internet.

It's not that I judge these people harshly. I understand that normal children do not entertain themselves for hours on PowerPoint and QBasic (or even Dream Dollhouse for that matter). I've spent way too much time of computers since I was old enough to use one, and the people asking me questions most likely have way better people skills and stronger hearts and lungs from outside play than I do. I am just astounded by their numbers.

It was my understanding that our generation was computer savvy. We have been expected to use computers and the internet for schoolwork since middle school, so it surprises me a little when I run into someone around my age who has no clue how to save a word document as a .doc instead of .docx or who doesn't realize that they can't edit their ePortfolio directly through the webpage and instead have to log into their host site. Can you imagine what would happen if it were possible to edit any webpage we were viewing? Ha ha ha.

It's not like I'm a computer know-it-all or anything. I've always classified my computer savvy as about average, and I'm more than happy to direct questions to the computer aide desk when I either have no clue how to help or plain old don't want to spend half an hour fixing the problem. Hey, my job is to help people find books, learn to use our databases, and create ePortfolios. Not to help someone get the printer to work or find a file that they saved in a weird place. I feel pretty good that I help people with computer issues as often as I do.

Anyway, the point is that knowing how many people know nothing about computers besides using them in the most basic ways has made me feel a lot more generous toward computer literacy requirements. I mean, if anything even slightly abnormal goes on people have no idea what to do. I was lucky to be raised in a home where I understood how to use computers before I could even pronounce the word correctly. Somehow I didn't realize that kids without my background might not have become as familiar with computers and the internet as I have.

A lot of people are not computer literate outside being able to type up, save, and print a paper. Or using Facebook and Skype (previously, MySpace and MSN Messenger).

Am I still peeved that USU got rid of that pesky CIL requirement the year after I graduated? Yes. That they charged me the CIL lab fee twice, despite the fact that my CC credit in Computer Tech should have covered the CIL requirement? Indubitably. But at least I no longer think colleges are setting absolutely ridiculously easy yet time consuming loops to jump through.

We need computer literacy requirements, and maybe those in place aren't tough enough.

You Know You're A Nerd When

2011-11-30T17:53:00.001-07:00

You're browsing the Films on Demand database at work. You come across a video entitled: "Medicine and Molecules" and immediately start brainstorming less ridiculous, more informative titles.

All medicines are molecules (or maybe a combination of molecules), but not all molecules are medicines. It's just the way things are.

Woes of a relatively Recent Eric Carmen Fan Girl

2011-11-28T19:37:00.000-07:00

Want to know what’s hard about being into older music?Sometimes it’s a lot harder to find.

Obviously I’m not talking about the really big names oralbums. And in general greatest hits compilations are fairly easy to find,since record labels and old stars want to earn money without actually makingnew music.

But say, for example, your name is Lydia. You’ve lovedEric Carmen ever since you knew who he was and last year you found this song and this song on youtube (I’m not embedding the videos because they’re not from an “official”account). You immediately fell in love, especially with the first.

BUT… these two songs, one of which is your absolute favoriteEric Carmen song, are not on any greatest hits compilations because they’refrom this 1984 album:

which was on a different label than his previous albums (and his greatest hits compilations) and didn't sell very well. This album that is not available on iTunes (What? Why on earth not? I thought almosteverything was available on iTunes!) and was lastreleased in 1997 when you was 8 years old and only owned one CD: A rap of the multiplicationtables. This album, that you can find on CD only on eBay and Amazon, wherepeople are asking between $50 and $200 for it.

And because Eric Carmen was never a MEGA SUPER STAR (exceptin Japan, although he’s definitely had MEGA HIT singles in the US) yet hasextremely loyal fans, his CDs are almost never found, new or used, at Greywhaleor FYE or Hastings.

What’s a girl supposed to do? I’m not against buying hisalbums on vinyl. In fact, the only album of his I actually own is on vinyl. ButI don’t want to buy records online because you really have no way of knowinghow unscratched and playable they are, besides from sellers self-reports. Thisis also true with CDs, but…

Ergh.

I repeat: What’s a girl to do?

RSL didn't protect Andy? Nooooo...

2011-11-22T17:38:00.001-07:00

So, I understand that they can only protect 11 players(unless they’re “homegrown” or Generation Adidas). And I don’t particularlywant to lose any of the players on the protected list, so I’m not really upsetabout who RSL did decide to protect.

But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about losingAndy. I don’t think he’s a player theexpansion will especially want, but what if I’m wrong about that?

I’m also worried about losing Grabavoy, but I’m definitelynot as emotionally attached to him as I am to Andy Williams.

Man, I’m nervous for our boys!

Lydia's (Illustrated!) Guide to Humiliating Yourself on Facebook

2011-11-19T20:04:00.001-07:00

1. Break the left mouse button on the trackpad of your laptop.
2. Turn on tap-to-click.
3. Months pass.
4. Get bored.
5. Go on Facebook
6. Read newsfeed.
7. Click on Events section:

8. Realize you aren't invited to any events any time soon.
9. Be curious about your "friends events."
10. Click on "friends' events:"

11. Realize that not many of your friends are invited to many events any time soon.
12. Feel better about yourself.
13. Start moving mouse.
14. Somehow click on the "join" button of one of your "friends' events:"

15. Freak out when you realize you just invited yourself to a party.
16. Freak out even more when you realize it's a party for someone you don't know.
17. Freak out even more when you realize "your friend" is a Facebook friend you aren't even real life friends with.
18. Curse Facebook for making it possible to invite yourself to parties.
19. Curse the event creator for not making the event private.
20. Curse your old laptop, trackpad, tap-to-click, and your finger for choosing this particular moment to malfunction.
21. Be curious as to what the chances are that the multi-function malfunction occurs on an actual link.
22. Frantically try to figure out how to uninvite yourself without anyone knowing you ever invited yourself in the first place.
23. Manage to uninvite yourself, but not without anyone ever knowing.
24. Curse Facebook for sending out notifications about every little thing.
25. Log out (as if that will solve anything).
26. Consider requesting the government put you in witness protection.
26. Become resigned to the fact you are now a creepy Facebook stalker.
27. Blog about it. Because that obviously remedies the situation.

Looking Forward

2011-11-16T21:02:00.001-07:00

Well, the decision has been made.

For the time being I'll be working at the Markosian Library reference desk at SLCC, saving my pennies to put toward tuition at University of Michigan next fall.

I feel pretty good about it. I don't know how I'll pay for everything, but I have a bit of time to figure it out. I'll be considered for scholarships from the school once I officially let them know I'm coming and I'm hoping I can reapply for the University Library Associates program. Now that I'll have experience in a collegiate library I'm sure I have better chances at both.

I know things will work out somehow. And I probably have a job lined up at UMich's health sciences library, which gives me some comfort. I'll at least be able to buy food, anyway. Really, I think most my anxiety stemmed from not knowing. Now that I know, I feel like I can move forward. I know that I need financial assistance, so I can focus my attention in that direction. It will give me something to do on my 3 day weekends.

Yes, I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday off every week. I'll probably work at the Lion House most weekends, but still. 3 day weekends are definitely a good thing. I feel a good number Logan trips are headed my way. Good thing Danielle is nice and will let me stay with her.

Do I wish that for once in my life I could be financially secure? Yes, but I'm thrilled that I'll still be able to attend UMich. It's an excellent program, Ann Arbor is a fantastic town, and I'm looking forward to doing something new and exciting.

Truth be told, if I don't manage a scholarship of some sort I'll be quite perturbed that I didn't just start this fall. There's probably a reason, if only so I could become more comfortable with the idea, but... ugh. I've been so bored/stressed/anxious lately. Part of me is annoyed that I allowed myself to question whether or not Michigan was right. Last semester I felt so strongly that it was right (even Danielle kept telling me I'd end up in Michigan. And that was before I was even accepted), and I just lost sight of that.

Whenever I look at the School of Information webpage I get so excited. Ever since the first time I looked at it I've felt good about attending.

Anyway, I'm staying in Taylorsville for the next 9 months, then almost definitely heading northeast.

Yay!!!

Reason 54783672043891 I Hate Lymphedema:

2011-11-15T20:14:00.001-07:00

This morning I accidentally kicked my bedroom door with gianormo foot.

After the initial shock, intense pain, and then loss of feeling in my little toe, my first thought (and this was nanoseconds after it happened) was, "Oh, shoot! I hope it doesn't get infected!"

I then had to put a compression stocking over it.

Not pleasant, my friends. Not pleasant.

Update on My "Situation"

2011-11-09T13:06:00.003-07:00

Well, Heavenly Father sure does act like a father sometimes.

Last night I was freaking out a little (OK, quite a bit). I still hadn't heard from job prospect number two, and being the extreme pessimist I've been the last year I convinced myself it meant they didn't want me. This wouldn't have to be a bad thing, but then I started going through one of my, "I just can't afford to go to Michigan! I'd be poor for the rest of my life trying to pay it off!" moments. This despite that fact that I truly believe the Lord would provide a way if it's where I'm supposed to be. I then allowed myself several moments of a "I don't want to spend the rest of my life living with my parents, which will happen if I don't go to grad school next fall" pity party. Which eventually led to the conclusion that I would die an old maid with a dozen cats, who would begin to eat me before my body cooled off, after peaking at 18 and then living 90 years ripe with disappointment.

Hey, I never claimed to be rational human being, especially when in duress!

Eventually I became annoyed with myself and my pessimism and began to pray. I told God that I needed some sort of answer or peace. I didn't need the rest of my life mapped out, but I needed a definite answer about the job or some sort of clarity or comfort about paying for grad school.

I didn't get to sleep until well after 4 last night. Even with my medication.

Anyway, this morning I was called in for a second interview. Because I have jury duty this week I don't know for sure when it is, but it will be in less than a week.

Now this didn't solve any of my problems. I still don't know what I'll be doing for the next few years (or even the next month), which really sucks, and makes me terribly anxious and slightly guilt-ridden. Those of you completely aware of the situation know why this is, those that don't will have to take my word that my anxiety and guilt have cause (whether or not it should be cause for this much is uncertain). But at least I still have both doors open. I'm not yet doomed to a life of paying back student loans or a life living in my parent's house.

It's a tender mercy for which I'm grateful. Still, I feel like a two year old who has been placated with a plastic toy when what I really wanted was a pony. Heavenly Father sure has a way of giving us precisely enough to get by while still testing us, doesn't he?

I really wish I'd learned patience earlier in life.

(Not) Knowing

2011-11-07T17:28:00.001-07:00

P.S. (Yes, at the beginning. Deal with my eccentricities, please.) Sorry for the novel.

I don't like it when my future is blank. I like knowing the plan I'm going to follow.

I have no problem knowing that said plan may change. But when I have two plans and I don't know which I'm going to live I get anxious. Which is what is happening now.

I don't want to put all the details out on the internet at this time. Maybe I never will. People don't like vagueness, though, so here's the not quite so vague story:

I have been offered a part-time job in a library. This offer would probably result with my attending University of Michigan next fall just as I've planned. Going to Michigan would be amazing for so many reasons.

Their MLIS program is perfect for me. I could get two specializations: one in Library Science and one in something else awesome, like Human Computer Interaction, Community Informatics, or Information Analysis and Retrieval. This allows much more flexibility in job placement upon completion.
I could move away from Utah for a while, which really excites me.
I would be attending a widely recognized, highly ranked school, something I've always wanted to do.

These are only some of the things I like about this plan. But there are scary things about it, too. Like moving somewhere far away where I know absolutely no one. Somewhere that is even colder than Logan. Like the fact that even if I save everything I earn and do score a partial scholarship, I'll only be able to pay for one semester and then be forced to take out loans for everything else. That would suck. The good news is there are some loan forgiveness programs for librarians, especially in the public university sphere, but it would take 10 years of work before those come into effect and I do hope to have a family in that time frame.

On the other hand, I interviewed for a full-time position in a different library and am waiting for them to tell me yes or no. I should know soon, probably tomorrow or the day after. This job would require me to stay in Utah and apply for online MLS programs. There are several really good online programs and I would be getting tons practical experience. I'd be earning enough to actually save significant sums of money, something I've never been in the position to do before.

Earning money sure does sound a lot more inviting than borrowing money, doesn't it?

But I would have to reapply to grad school and I'd need stay in Utah, something I really am not overjoyed about. I really haven't seen much of the world. While I'm not one that feels a desperate need to travel, I do feel it's important to experience life somewhere outside of where one grew up. I want to see how other people live and broaden my world view. I know so many people who's minds are frustratingly narrow, and I don't want that to be me.

Honestly, I think I would be okay with either situation. Both would get me out of Taylorsville and my parents' house within the next year, which is the most important thing for me. No matter what I would be working toward my goal of librarianship. Neither is a perfect situation, but perfect is probably overrated. Amiright?

The main problem I have is not knowing what I'm going to do. I've been in this situation for the past week and I don't really want to be in it anymore.

I hate it.

Significantly.

Love > Like

2011-11-05T13:50:00.000-06:00

Do you ever get distracted from things you love by things you only like?

For example, when I get on a pop music kick, I always forget how much I love older rock. I'll get stuck in a "pop rut." Then I'll decide to listen to some Hall and Oates, Chicago, Eagles, Elton John, etc and remember just how much better that stuff is. Then I beat myself up for only listening to pop for two weeks straight.

Maybe I'll be watching a lot of current television. Then I'll watch an episode of Happy Show and realize how much more uplifting it is.

Or I'll have been reading a lot of fluffy stuff, decide to pick up a biography/memoir or a great work of literature, and suddenly realize how little I've been using my brain.

Isn't it weird?

I'm hoping that once I start working I'll realize how terrible it was just sitting in my bedroom doing a heck of a lot of nothing for hours on end.

You Know You're a Nerd When (Mother's Request Edition)

2011-10-30T23:55:00.000-06:00

You're sitting in Sunday School. The teacher asks a question along the lines of, "What are some things that just make you just sit and think that there has to be a god?"

Answers include standard fare such as "the birth of a baby" and "sitting in nature."

Your first thought? The way the human body functions on a microscopic level. How the body requires an astounding number of enzymes that are all structured just right (if not perfectly) for the tasks they perform. The beautiful structure of DNA, and relatively simple process of replication, transcription and translation of genes to protein. The intricate regulation and proofreading of replication to avoid mutation. Genes that code for several different proteins at the same time. The regulation of transcription in order to avoid the synthesis of proteins the cell doesn't need at the moment.

It's absolutely mind blowing.

Your second (pretty unrelated) thought? "Oh, and it's pretty cool how pi and e just sort of pop up everywhere, too. Heavenly Father probably had a good time with that one."

You don't actually answer the question out loud, but you probably should have.

For Once I'm Enjoying the Weekend!

2011-10-28T21:09:00.002-06:00

Well, seems like all the getting dressed I did last week did some good.

I kind of failed at it this week, though. I did pretty well until Wednesday, then decided to live in my pajamas and bedroom for the next couple of days.

Today was a pretty good day, nonetheless. The first hour or so stank, but only because I stayed up past 3:00 AM and then had to be out of bed and ready for work by 10:00. I wasn't really a happy camper when the alarm went off, that's for sure. My bed was warm, the house was cold, I was tired, and work didn't sound fun.

Once I actually got to work I was pretty chipper. After the morning grogginess wore off I realized that I was happy and that it would be a good day. When I got off and had a voice mail inviting me to a job interview on Monday and a voice mail from the people I interviewed with last week, I was in an even better mood. I still don't know 100% what they want because we've been playing a monster game of phone tag over the last couple days... but I have a pretty good idea. =)

When I got home Mom, Marissa, Kathryn, and I went to see the last Harry Potter movie at the dollar theater and then to Arby's for dinner. That was a lot of fun. For sure.

Now it's 9:00. I'm listening to America, loading the World Women's Artistic Gymnastic Team Finals to watch before I go to bed, and I'm getting really drowsy. I hope I can stay awake long enough to watch it. Last RSL home game (I think, don't quote me on that) of the season is tomorrow night and I'm tres excited for that, too. I'm thinking that this weekend is shaping up nicely.

I hope all of your weekends are looking just as good!

Recent Ponderings

2011-10-26T15:09:00.000-06:00

There is an episode of Happy Show that always depresses me.

In the previous episode Felicity decided she doesn't want to become a doctor. In the depressing episode she thinks about what she does want and realizes she wants to talk to Gus before she makes any decisions. She says he knows her better than she does and forces her to be honest with herself. Gus sends word that he is coming home and Felicity is so excited. She decides she's finally ready to marry him. Then a few days later she gets word that Gus has died in a ship wreck.

I cry every time. I mean, I have a raging crush on Gus, but it's so much more than that. Even though I know he isn't really dead, the idea of Felicity believing her soul mate has died before they even have a chance to begin their lives together is so terribly sad to me. The knowledge that this actually happens to people is even more depressing. I just... can't comprehend. All I can do is cry and pray it never happens to me or the people I love. (And yeah, I do cry a lot, especially in comparison to how little I did until I was about 15. I've become such a softy.)

One of my all time favorite Felicity + Gus moments.

There is someone I work with whose husband died when their son was really young. I respect her so much it's almost ridiculous.

On a semi-related "this actually happens in real life and not just in fiction" note, something else that scares me is that all the evil people depicted in books and movies have a basis in reality. The serial killers in "Bones," people who kill people for their job, people who kill just because they're bored... People like this really exist. In some way, our society creates them.

How can people go that far into the dark? To the point that human life isn't sacred in any sense of the word? It scares me more than almost anything else. It makes me sad that their lives were so bad in some way that they led to such inky darkness.

How can people like that have any hope? And more importantly, how can people live without it? Right now I'm struggling with this in some areas in my life, but not in the most important ones. I have hope and faith in God. I have hope that things will eventually work out. I have hope in humanity. What would happen if that was all gone?

I wonder if I could become like that if my life circumstances were the same. Of course I would hope not, but who knows? Look at Milgram's study of obedience to authority. I mean, anyone you talk to says they'd have stopped applying the shock, but over half applied even the most powerful one. You never know what you'd do in a certain situation until you're experiencing it.

I needed a picture.

It really makes me think. I know there is no point in worrying about something that didn't happen, but I do anyway.

Wherein I Whine About Not Finding a Job

2011-10-24T00:49:00.001-06:00

I'm used to things being given to me.

I got the undergraduate research fellowship because I had good grades, participated in the Summer Biotechnology Academy, and probably because the interviewers felt sorry for me when I almost started to bawl in the interview. (Dude, they asked a question where my answer was kind of personal. Don't judge!)

I got my lab job by e-mailing my adviser about a Connections course. Not about a job, about a school assignment. I guess he was impressed by my good grammar or something.

I got my job at the Lion House... well, I actually don't know why I got that.

I got my SI job because I had good grades and probably because no one else was applying for it. Also because Dr. E loves me for some reason and always serves as a fantastic reference.

All this handing of things has stopped recently and I've become a little bitter about it. All of the previous handing of things has made me an entitled little booger.

The thing is, it's not that I really feel I deserve to be given things, it's just that I always have been. I'm used to it. I'm smart and for a long time I was able to coast on that. As a teenager I didn't need people skills because I had a high GPA and respected authority. I was apologetic when I needed/wanted something, and I never made up lame excuses. I promised to not hand in late assignments/ask for extra credit again/study next time (and followed through). That was enough for most people.

Now I'm looking for a job. I have to do lame things like write cover letters and tell people they need me in this position. And I don't really believe it, which makes it a gazillion and ten times harder. I mean, with all the other applicants, there is bound to be someone else who could do the job, at least adequately. Those applicants probably are even less awkward and more fun to work with. They probably make good eye contact and smile without looking like they're in pain. It's doubtful they feel like barfing when they're asked in for an interview.

Still, even though I might not believe in myself, I'm bothered that people don't hire me, because I'm used to people believing in me even when I don't. Even when they've never met me before.

That's kind of messed up, isn't it?

I wish I was still as cute as I was when I was 18. That sure helped out a lot.

Confessions of a Lydia

2011-10-19T12:40:00.002-06:00

I'm trying to force myself to be happy again.

I know this means I need to be productive. So I've been trying really hard.

The hardest part of productivity? Convincing myself to wear real clothes instead of pajamas all day. So far this week I've gotten dressed EVERY DAY! Success? I think so. Maybe getting dressed doesn't seem to be a big deal to you, but to me it has become so. Want evidence? It's reached the point that if I get dressed and/or actually put make-up on my face Dad asks me if I'm going to work. Yeah, I've kind of reached an all time low.

But this week I've gotten dressed EVERY DAY! I've left the house EVERY DAY! Yesterday I even organized my closet and dresser and sorted out clothes to give to DI. Then I did some mending. Today I'm working on a cover letter for a job application and then I have work. Tomorrow I think I have a job interview, but we're playing phone tag so I'm not completely sure. Even though I know I didn't score that from getting dressed, it kind of feels like I did. Ha.

And I think I have been happier lately. I had a trip up in regards to money-lockdown, though. I had to buy birthday presents for Jeanette, Marissa, and Mom, so I went shopping. Then I bought myself things, too. Oops. That kind of freaked me out. The thing is, I know the reason I'm having trouble with spending money is that I've been bored and depressed lately. For me shopping is an enjoyable way to pass the time. And buying things is definitely a rush that distracts me from depression. I totally understand how people get addicted to it. Hopefully things don't reach the point for me. The last thing I need right now is to attend Shopaholics Anonymous.

Please pray that this is not me in 10 years. Or tomorrow.
PS- I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

I'm finding solace in the fact that I'm not spending more money than I'm earning, I'm just not actually saving anything. My bank account is at about the same place it was when I graduated, which was not what I was hoping for. Oh, well. I'm putting myself back on track now. It will probably be easier to save once I'm earning more.

In the meantime I'm working on staying occupied without leaving the house. It's much less expensive.

But I'm also trying to stay away from Hulu. What a time waster!

Does This Make Me Weird?

2011-10-17T00:16:00.000-06:00

I think that getting over "might have beens" is more difficult than getting over "have beens," and getting over "maybes" that never turn into a "yes" or "no" is much harder than getting over "never gonna happens."

I'm constantly envious of book or movie characters, even when their circumstances are worse than mine, just because tiny details of their lives are things I wish I had.

For me being alone is much easier than being with people. But I sometimes wonder what my life would be like if the opposite was true.

At night when it's raining I have to go outside and stand in it in my pajamas and bare feet. I raise my face to the cloudy, night sky and take a few deep breathes of that rainy, Great Salt Lake-y smell. I'm always tempted to take a short jog (still in bare feet), but at eleven at night or sometimes one or two in the morning that doesn't seem like such a good idea.

Life Update

2011-10-13T14:11:00.001-06:00

I haven't really written anything for a while. I'm having lack of inspiration again.

I just joined Pinterest. I'm hoping it will give me some sort of inspiration to start crafting or something. I really need to. I have the itch again, but not the drive. Soon, hopefully.

I've been running regularly for the last few weeks. It's nice to be able to run without looking gimpy. It's beautiful weather right now, too. Perfect for getting back into the work-out habit. Hopefully I'll keep it up after it gets cold. Maybe not running so much, but once I'm in the habit I might be more likely to use the exercise bike.

I'm still applying for jobs. The type of jobs I'm applying for has changed; for a lab job I pretty much have to commit to several years and I can't get myself to do that yet. Ugh. I get so sick of typing my work history into applications. It's so tedious.

I haven't been wearing my compression stocking as much as I should. It's really bothering lately. Just so uncomfortable!

Ummm... really that's all I have for now.

There Are a Few Things This Weather Calls For

2011-10-07T17:45:00.006-06:00

1. New England clam chowder in a sourdough bread bowl, like they serve in the LH Pantry. Mmmmm...

Via SplashBakery

2. Colorful, opaque tights and sweaters.

3. Cozy, warm boots. If I weren't on money lock-down I'd be off to Famous Footwear or on the Skechers website to buy these ones:

4. Hot chocolate and a good book.

5. Mellow music like vocal Jazz. I'm feeling Michael Buble or Diana Krall for my drive to work today.

Self Control = 0

2011-10-05T21:48:00.001-06:00

I'm supposed to be saving money for graduate school. So what do I do?

Oh, that's right. I just went on iTunes to buy all the songs I need for my new "Disney Teen Queen Guilty Pleasure Pop" playlist.

Will I be running to Demi Lovato, Selena Gomez and Miley Cyrus tomorrow? Sure thing. Am I going to feel guilty for wasting money? Most likely.

The real question is, is it really a waste or did I just do something I've been meaning to do for years? After all, I'm always lamenting the fact that I only have access to these fluffy gems on YouTube. And my running playlist is getting a little stale.

But starting tomorrow I'm officially on money lock-down.

Pondering on Romance

2011-10-04T17:31:00.002-06:00

You know, I'm kind of sad at the state of romance in today's world.

Lately I've been watching movies and books from around the 50s and 60s. You know, books like Beverly Cleary's teen fiction and Girl of the Limberlost. Movies like "Gidget."*

I feel a picture of Gidget and Moondoggie is in order.
via fanpop

These stories contain my favorite kind of romance. Two people meet. They get to know each other. There are sparks, but things are taken slowly. They become friends or even best friends. Throw in an obstacle or two, but this is eventually resolved, and then, after months or years, they finally become a couple and ride off into the sunset.

This same pattern appears in many of Sarah Dessen's books. That's probably why I love them so much, too.

Today things are often done so much differently. I'm not saying things are never done as described above. It just feels like rather than being the norm it's the oddity. I have so many friends who will meet a guy, text for a day or two, go on a date (or just watch a movie with a group in someone's living room), then go make-out for 3 hours.

I'm not saying this is wicked behavior or anything; I'm just saying it saddens me that the romance in relationships has taken second place to the physical. And maybe that's fine for some people but it's definitely not what I want.

Call me old fashioned or call me a prude, but there's something missing there. In the books and movies I've been loving recently? That first kiss, that one kiss that probably lasts a minute or two? Takes months of build-up. In Fifteen, the couple actively dates for 3 or 4 months before their first kiss.

For me at least, physical tokens of affection mean a lot more (and probably feel a lot nicer) if there is a greater emotional tie. I want to really know someone before I begin steadily dating them, and I want to be sure I really like them and not just the way they look. How can you know that for sure after one or two dates or hangouts?

Probably my real-life, fairy tale romance (if I ever get one) won't follow the exact formula I'm in love with, but I hope it's only a slight variation.

* Side note on "Gidget:" I'm pretty much addicted to this movie. I first watched it a few years ago when I was at UGA for the summer. I liked it. Then this past school year I found it in the Logan Library and now I'm obsessed. It's so clean and happy and pure. And cheesy, fluffy, silly and wonderful! Needless to say, I bought it even though it's more than I generally spend on movies; it was a 3-pack (but I really only like the first enough to feel the need to own it) and I knew shipping and handling negated any discounts I could find online. Point being, I've probably watched this movie way too many times over the past few weeks. And I've definitely made my dad watch it 0.5 too many times. That is, I made him watch the last half of it. Ha.

Things I Love

2011-09-29T14:14:00.001-06:00

"He touched me with his creepy serial killer hands."

Oh, geez. I love Bones. I love, nearly as much, buying a brand spanking new, still shrink wrapped, Season 2 box set for $4.00. Yay thrift stores!

I love watching scary movies by myself, late at night, lights off, with the cat purring next to me and jumping when I do.

I love going to RSL games, even when the captain is ejected 10 minutes into the game and our boys play abysmally. I love welcoming back old favorites who were injured for the majority of the season.

I love listening to cheesy music and I adore oldies stations.

I love being able to park at the COB when I work at night or Saturdays.

I love mac and cheese.

I love autumn. The smell, the fashion, the briskness. I can barely contain the excitement and anticipation anymore.

I love the minty fresh crispness of my newly brushed teeth and mouth.

But I do not love applying for jobs.

Unease

2011-09-22T19:10:00.000-06:00

Last night I had a horrible dream and it has stuck with me all day.

You see, it wasn't the type of bad dream where you wake up and think, "Well, hey! That was only a bad dream and I can forget about it now!" No, it was one of the bad dreams that is very realistic, reasonable, and could actually happen in real life. So it took a minute for me to process that the dream events hadn't actually occurred. Even after that realization an uneasy feeling has shadowed me because I can actually see my dream coming true. So I've felt like crying all day long.

It's not something I have any real control over. I can't prevent it. All I can do is live my life and hope these events never actually happen. Now that my subconscious has brought these worries to life, I'm going to be living in fear.

Great. Like I need another thing to be anxious about.

My Life is a String of Awkward Moments.

2011-09-18T00:07:00.002-06:00

Today I was setting tables at work when one of my friends came into the room while he waited for his room to finish eating. After a few minutes of chitchat he says, "Lydia, last night we were talking about your funeral."

Say what?!? How on earth is one supposed to respond to that?

Eventually we got on the same page. They were talking about the funeral luncheon I'd served, not my actual funeral, which was a tremendous relief. I could once again go about setting tables without worrying about my safety in the workplace.

* * * * *

Rewind to the Trax ride home yesterday. I was busily listening to my iPod and alternating between calling my house and my mom's cell phone desperately trying to find a ride home (my car's tire needs to be patched). Suddenly, someone was in front of me asking to see my ticket. I stuck my hand in my bag and handed him what I thought was the right little piece of paper:

"This ticket expired over three hours ago."
"Oh, really? My new one must be in here somewhere!"
"I hope you find it because if you don't I have to give you a ticket!"

I began rummaging through my enormous bag to find my stupid ticket. I kept pulling out old tickets ( I really should clean out my bag), but couldn't seem to find the one I'd bought 10 minutes earlier. I knew that I'd bought one for the ride home because I paid with Sacagawea dollars I'd received as change when I 'd paid my fare that morning. I quite like Sacagawea dollars so it's memorable whenever I use them.

Anyway, as the seconds ticked past I became increasingly frantic. I could tell the conductor/ticket checker didn't think I'd actually bought a ticket. I don't really blame him; I'm sure he hears lots of people lie to him every day. Still, I knew I'd paid. Every moment I became more convinced I'd dropped that stupid slip of paper or simply forgotten to take it out of the dispenser. And now I'd have to pay UTA a huge amount of money for being a little scatterbrained.

"I might just have to pay that fine..."

He smiled knowingly.

Finally in desperation I began pulling everything out of my bag. I piled my work uniform, book, wallet, etc on the seat next to me and then I saw a ticket at the bottom. Holding my breath, I snatched it and hurriedly read the date and time stamp.

"Found it!"

Looking surprised, he took it and studied it carefully. "I'm glad you found it."
"So am I! Thanks for being so patient with me."

Despite my politeness I was really kind of irked he hadn't believed I had a ticket. I'd pulled a ridiculous amount of old tickets in my bag so it was pretty obvious I made a habit of buying Trax tickets. It wasn't so much the fine that annoyed me, I understood that he would have had to fine me if I didn't have evidence of payment. Protocol and all that jazz.

I just hate the awkwardness of being thought of as a liar.

My Life is Boring and I Have Nothing Better to Do...

2011-09-14T16:15:00.000-06:00

Once upon a time I said that I didn't want a diamond engagement ring. I thought this for a long, long time. Then I stumbled across something called a "halo." Now I most definitely want one. Introducing Lydia's new dream engagement ring:

Tiffany's Legacy with Graduated Side Stones

Hey, I did say it was my dream ring, right? Anyway, these are pretty too:

I love that the next two bands are more plain, without additional diamonds:

Via Fay Cullen

/drool.

Now I just need to find me a fiance! Just kidding, well, kind of.

P.S. I still don't like wearing rings. But if I'm expected to wear one when I get engaged it might as well be fantastically gorgeous, right?

Anger Management

2011-09-12T16:23:00.000-06:00

When you're driving and someone does something dumb/aggressive/mean what do you do?

I feel like I'm pretty tame. Sometimes I make exclamations: "DUDE! UGH! ARG!" Sometimes I whine: "Why are you driving so sloooow?!? Why do you have to be in front of me? Why didn't you use your pretty little blinker?!?"

I think the meanest I get is to inform the person driving that I want to punch them in the face. I never threaten; I never say "I'm going to punch you in the face!" It's always "I want to punch you in the face!" I rarely ever even call people names. That's reserved for those who cut me off on the freeway without using their blinker: "IDIOT!"

In case you haven't noticed, people not signaling when they change lanes or turn is a pet peeve of mine. I don't care how much space there is, when you change lanes, SIGNAL!

I hear stories of people following someone who cut them off and getting out of the car to chew them out. I've been flipped off (as I'm sure most people have), and I'm sure I've been called really ugly things before. But rather than dwelling on that, I usually prefer to imagine that everyone is as benign with their reactions as I am.

Being an idiot that people want to punch in the face is something I can deal with.

Inside Lydia's Head

2011-09-05T14:59:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling pretty good today. This is what has been going through my mind so far:

I'm considering letting my bangs grow out again. They were fun for a while, but now I'm over the styling and constant trimming of them. Bangs were helpful in concealing messy eyebrows (more on this in the next paragraph), but I'm ready to move on. Although I may try some other fun hairstyle soon.

I tidied up my eyebrows for the first time in months. Over the last several years my left eyebrow had become considerably thinner than my right and I needed to fix that. I think both eyebrows are approximately the same thickness again, so I'm taking that as a win. I need a win right now.

I'm pretty sure my leg is up to running again. I'm going to test that out sometime today. Another win.

Also, I'm going to attempt a month of no dessert and no LH rolls. Except I'll allow myself cake on Kathryn's birthday because cake on a family member's birthday seems pretty mandatory.

Today I am craving Cheetos. This is because I watched Greek yesterday and they talk about/eat Cheetos a lot in that show. They call them "Cheesaritos," but... The point being I need Cheetos. Which may appear to negate the healthfulness of no dessert or LH rolls, but they aren't dessert or LH rolls, now, are they?

Take Two

2011-08-28T18:32:00.000-06:00

A couple of hours ago I tried to write something since I haven't written here much this month. I'm not going to post it because it reminds me way too much of the stuff I posted in high school and I'd rather not go down that particular blogging road again.

In a nutshell:

I don't like myself very much. Lately things have been really bad because I don't have school or enough work to distract me from feelings of inadequacy.
I wish that I was starting my MLIS at UMich this semester and I'm worried I'll never make it there.
I miss my friends in Logan and I'd rather be there than in Taylorsville. I'm trying to have a good attitude but am failing pretty spectacularly.

Until I can write something that won't make you want to slit your wrists, here are some cute baby animals:

Watch this one to the very end, or if you have no heart whatsoever, skip to 1:04.

Polka-Spots & Stripeys

Personality Flaws

Want to Get Rich Quick?

And My Life Just Got a Little Weirder.

Just Got My Cardio for the Day!

"D'aaaawww..."

My Personal Record Has Been Neglected! :(

Argh!

And Suddenly...

Three Sentences

It's 2012! My Life is Still the Same.

I Make Myself Laugh

Feeling Blue

You Know You're a Nerd When

Today

A Very Rare (and Long) Post on Dating and Education

Nothing Important

I Had an Abnormally Technological Childhood

You Know You're A Nerd When

Woes of a *relatively* Recent Eric Carmen Fan Girl

RSL didn't protect Andy? Nooooo...

Lydia's (Illustrated!) Guide to Humiliating Yourself on Facebook

Looking Forward

Reason 54783672043891 I Hate Lymphedema:

Update on My "Situation"

(Not) Knowing

Love > Like

You Know You're a Nerd When (Mother's Request Edition)

For Once I'm Enjoying the Weekend!

Recent Ponderings

Wherein I Whine About Not Finding a Job

Confessions of a Lydia

Does This Make Me Weird?

Life Update

There Are a Few Things This Weather Calls For

Self Control = 0

Pondering on Romance

Things I Love

Unease

My Life is a String of Awkward Moments.

My Life is Boring and I Have Nothing Better to Do...

Anger Management

Inside Lydia's Head

Take Two

Woes of a relatively Recent Eric Carmen Fan Girl